Tag Archives: Respect

Trying to Live Where We Are Not!

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Group of friends at a restaurant with all people on the table occupied with cellphones

I once heard Dr. Tony Evans say something to this effect: He said that most people are being crucified between two thieves: The regrets of yesterday and the anxieties of tomorrow! When we attempt to live our lives, burdened with yesterday’s regrets and/or tomorrow’s worries, we sacrifice the present day! Attempting to live life in this manner is stressful because it is a vain attempt to live where we are not!

Trying to live in the past is an impossible feat! It’s like trying to drink milk that has spilled on the floor! It’s like trying to stand in the same molecules of water in a river that is flowing! It’s like trying to cash a check that has already been cashed! NO! Yesterday is spilled milk! Yesterday is water under the bridge! Yesterday is a cancelled check! There is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do to re-live yesterday! Many people are stuck because they stubbornly refuse to let-go of yesterday. But whether it’s yesterday’s regrets or even yesterday’s victories; yesterday is gone and we will never live yesterday again!

But just as attempting to re-live yesterday is an impossible feat, so is attempting to live tomorrow before tomorrow comes! Now, we can prepare for tomorrow, but we can’t live tomorrow today! We can ‘prepare’ to cross the bridge, but we can’t actually cross the bridge until we get to the bridge! In a sense, ‘tomorrow’ will always be a day that we will never live! Why? Because, when we get to ‘tomorrow’ it will no longer be tomorrow; it will be; ‘today!’

Realistically and practically speaking; yesterday and tomorrow are actually days that have no real substance! Let me show you what I’m talking about! When we were experiencing ‘yesterday’ it wasn’t yesterday, it was today! As stated earlier, when we get to ‘tomorrow’ it will not be tomorrow, it will be today! Therefore, the only day we can actually live in and do anything with, is ‘today!’ Yesterday is a cancelled check and tomorrow is just a promissory note! The only day that we can ‘spend’ is today!

That is why the attempts to live in yesterday and tomorrow are so fruitless and in many ways; detrimental! First of all, it is an impossibility, because we can’t live where we are not! Secondly, it is detrimental, because when we attempt to live in yesterday or tomorrow, we sacrifice and waste today! In fact, many of the regrets of yesterday and the anxieties of tomorrow are caused by the neglect of the present day! We don’t do what we should do in the present and that is what causes the regrets of yesterday and the fears of tomorrow! If we learn to discipline ourselves to ‘live in the moment,’ our lives would be less stressful because the ‘moment’ is the only time we can actually live!

But, in addition to trying to live where we are not, in regard to yesterday and tomorrow, there is an addition stress of trying to live in a ‘place’ where we are not! Have you ever witnessed or been part of a conversation in which a person standing in your presence is preoccupied with a conversation or even a game on their smartphone? You hear them say something, but when you respond, they tell you that they weren’t talking to you but rather the other person on the phone! The crazy thing about it is that, more often than not, just as they neglect to give their full attention to the people who are standing right in front of them for a conversation with the person on the phone, when they are standing in front of the person on the phone, they do the same thing to them by talking to someone on the phone! They are ‘here’ but they are not really ‘here!’ They are trying to live where they are not!

Have you ever been to a restaurant and notice two people or even a group of people sitting together at a table, but each and every person is preoccupied with their phone? They are present, but they are not really present! They are together, but they are not really together! Why? Because they are trying to live where they are not!

May I make a radical suggestion that just might make life a little less stressful? Instead of trying to re-live yesterday or pre-live tomorrow, why not just focus on the present moment! Focus on the only time you can actually live; the present moment! Now, I know what it is like to be worried about tomorrow! But it’s a fruitless activity! You see, when we worry, that breeds frustration. And when we are frustrated, it shuts down our ability to think clearly. Let’s just supposed that your electricity is going to be cut off tomorrow. Instead of being consumed with worry and bemoaning over what it is going to be like without electricity tomorrow, focus on what you have and what you can do right now! What can you do? You can go buy some ice and a cooler to store your food when the refrigerator will not be on! You can go to store and buy candles, flashlights, or lanterns for alternative lighting when the electricity is cut off! You can also just choose to simply ‘enjoy’ and take advantage of the hours of electricity that you have left! Finish reading the book! Wash a load of clothes! Take advantage of the electricity you ‘now’ have with an attitude of gratitude! Who knows, by tomorrow, a means to pay the bill that you hadn’t thought of before may materialize? You might be able to work out an extension with the power company. At lot of things could happen between now and tomorrow! So, the best thing to do is not cause additional stress by trying to live tomorrow today! Live today to the fullest and allow tomorrow to take care of itself!

Now, this is not to say that we shouldn’t plan for tomorrow, by all means, no! In fact, sometimes the best use of ‘today’ is to plan for tomorrow! But the point is to make the best use of ‘now’ and not allow the past or the future to prevent us from fully enjoying and taking advantage of the present moment! Give full attention to the people who are in your presence! To do otherwise is not only impractical, it is also downright rude and disrespectful to all three parties; the people in front of you, the person on the phone, and yourself! Starting today, discipline yourself to live where you are: Discipline yourself to consistently live in the ‘here’ and ‘now!’

Pride and Respect: More Valuable Than Life?

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Just in a matter of hours before writing this post, I read of a young man who was killed in an argument with a group of five other individuals. This occurred only days after the tragic and senseless killing of rapper; Nipsey Hussle. It’s the same old story repeated and multiplied across the country: Someone is involved in an argument or a personal dispute, but their pride and the need to be respected will not allow them to just walk away! There must be some type of retaliation! After all, they don’t want to be perceived as being ‘soft’ or being a ‘doormat.’ And so, they retaliate! It is at that point that the situation escalates because usually the force of the retaliation is much greater than the initial perceived wrong!

There was an Old Testament biblical ruling that stipulated an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! The purpose of that law was to maintain an equal and even level of retaliation. In other words, it was designed to prevent much of what we are seeing today! Jesus would come along later and say: “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:38-39 ESV) But not only have we gotten to the point that it is seemingly impossible for most people today to ‘turn the other cheek,’ most people today cannot even abide by the old ‘eye for an eye’ standard! Instead of an eye for an eye, it seems that many have sunk to the standard of ‘a life for an eye! I can’t tell you the number of cases I have heard of people killed or shot, simply because the shooter ‘felt’ disrespected or wronged in some way! It seems as though, now-days; pride and respect are more important to some people than life itself! This attitude is utterly senseless and ridiculous! But what can we do?

When I was in school, I learned Math, Science, English, and some other subjects. But, the one thing I was not taught in school was conflict resolution! Whether it is taught in the schools or made a requirement before people can have children, we must find a way to re-instill the proper respect for the sanctity of human life within our culture and society! Too many of our young men and women are dying too soon! Too many mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children are crying at the graves of the victims of senseless violence! It’s not the wall at the Mexican border! It’s not even health-care or any of the other political ‘hot-potatoes’ most politicians are talking about! The epidemic of violence and senseless death is the American national emergency!

But the politicians are too busy trying to get reelected! Many of the churches are too busy preaching prosperity and running after blessings! Dads are too busy trying to close the deal at the office or playing golf at the club! Moms are too busy, trying to be like Stella and get their grooves back! But in the words of the late Marvin Gaye; “There’s got to be a way, to get some unity here today! What’s going on?”

There is no use in waiting for the politicians to pass new laws! There is something all of us can do right now! Quit looking for others to start a new initiative! It has to start with you! It has to start with me! If we, that is, just you and I, resolve within ourselves that we are going to be part of the solution we seek; the resolution will not be far away! We must stop pointing the finger and blaming others and do what we can to be part of the solution and not part of the problem!

What can we do? The next time we are offended or wronged, count to ten before any type of response! Take a deep breath and ask questions: Is the response justified in light of the offense? In other words; ‘Am I about to shoot a fly with a shotgun?’ What will be the consequence of my response when the dust settles? In other words; If I shoot the fly with the shotgun, I may or may not kill the fly, but who’s going to fix the wall? Is my pride and need for respect causing me to write a check that I cannot afford to be cashed? Is it really worth it?

There is an old ancient proverb that says: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step!” Will you join me in taking a step today? Will you join me in doing whatever can be done to be a positive influence on those around us? It seems a bit overwhelming! The negativity and the violence seem enormous and gigantic! But it’s really no different than the journey of a thousand miles! The journey will only be completed and the senseless violence and death that has engulfed our culture will only subside to the light of life and sanity, one step and one person at a time!

The Priority of Presence

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man on cellphone

Have you ever been in a line at the store and the person at the cash register was on their cell phone while they were making their transaction? Did you notice the look on the cashier’s face and the obvious inability of the person on their cell to pay attention to the transaction and the person on the phone at the same time? Annoying wasn’t it? It was annoying to you, it was rude and disrespectful to the sales clerk and it was slowing up the line!

Back in the day (as my son is so fond of saying) there were written codes of social etiquettes, to which we could refer to in understanding how to eat with the correct silverware and things like that. There were things and behaviors that were universally accepted as being fit and proper. However, in this day and time, it seems that the rule of thumb is; no rules, anything goes!

However, I think the tried and true Golden Rule is still applicable in our modern times: “Do unto others as you would have them to do unto you.” Therefore, in reference to cell phone manners, I would like to propose the practice of the priority of presence. The priority of presence is simply the practice of giving the person in your presence priority over the person in your ear. If the person in your ear (on the cell phone) is important enough to warrant a conversation, then common courtesy dictates delaying any interaction with people in your presence. Now, I know some who might read this might think that engaging in such a practice would severely slow their communication; after all, we all have so much to do with so little time to do it! But, is completing our tasks so important that we consistently de-humanize others and ourselves in the process? Is getting everything done worth doing nothing well?

Now this situation is not much better with people who use ear buds! You think they are walking around talking to themselves! And when they are on the phone and looking in your direction, you think they are talking to you! Many states have banned cellphone use while driving. There is a reason for that: The average person cannot chew gun and walk at the same time! (Smile) Seriously, when one’s attention and focus is divided, operating a vehicle is dangerous! I suggest the practice of the priority of presence while using the cell phone because when one’s attention is divided, it is rude, annoying, and counter-productive for all involved in the communication process!

Be the Change, Make the Change: My Thoughts on Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman, & America

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In the circles I travel, there is a familiar saying: “Prayer changes things!” But I have discovered that more often than not; prayer changes people and it’s the people changed by prayer who change things!

tmartinzimmermanAs I write this post, I am reflecting on the state of our nation in regard to the recent findings of the jury in the George Zimmerman trial. Whether we agree with the verdict of the jury or not, this case has brought to the forefront the age-old problem of respect, race, and ethnicity in America. On one hand there are those who cry for justice because they feel that justice was not served in this case. On the other hand, there are those who say that the verdict has been given and whether we like it or not, we need to move on.

In my opinion, I don’t think justice was served! It was tragic that an unarmed Black teenager was unnecessarily killed and it is tragic that his killer goes free with no repercussions! My thoughts and prayers are with the Martin family as they deal with the loss of a son and the loss of justice! My thoughts and prayers are also with George Zimmerman and his family as he and they deal with the reality that his actions were most likely motivated by the racial and cultural profiling that is rampant in America.

Now while I sympathized with the Martin family, I am at the same time, sickened by the hypocrisy of the Black community! This case received national attention and there is presently protest in the Black community and elsewhere ONLY because the victim was Black and the accused is perceived to be White! (Actually, according to Mr. Zimmerman; he is Hispanic) If George Zimmerman was a Black man, chances are, we would have never heard of this incident! Therefore I ask: What about the countless unarmed Black victims that are being gunned down EVERYDAY in Black communities as a result of Black on Black violence and crime? Who speaks for them? Where is the national outrage and protest about innocent unarmed Black children being killed in the crossfire of drug-turf wars in Black communities nearly every day! There is no national protest about that! Now again, this is not to minimize what happened to Trayvon Martin! But it very well could be that part of the reason other people de-value the lives of Black people is because Black people de-value the lives of Black people! We (I mean Black people) have run the Klu Klux Klan and other White-supremacy groups out of business! It wasn’t very long ago that Black parents feared their sons would be killed by the Klan; now Black parents fear their sons will be killed by other Black sons! Where is the national protest about that? We crucify Paula Dean for racial slurs she admitted to have uttered in the past; but what about the demeaning racial slurs Black people berate one another with in personal conversations, rap songs and videos every day? Call me old-school if you want, but to me, that is part of the problem! If you don’t respect yourself, it’s crazy to think other people will respect you! If we are going to boycott Paula Dean, we also need to boycott the gangster and hip-hop rappers who are getting paid to disrespect Black women and others with their profane lyrics!

So where do go from here? What do we do? To my White brothers and sisters, I would suggest that you remember that at the core, people are just people. It is not a person’s race or color that really defines them; it is their character! With that in mind, I would suggest we all take a serious look at revising a judicial system that has turned into a warehouse distribution center for the new plantations otherwise known as the penal system. To my Black brothers and sisters, we need to take responsibility for our own and respect ourselves! Quit being so quick to always place the blame on the “others” when often (not all the time; but more often than not) the blame is with the “brothers” (and sisters)!

How can change happen on a national scale? Don’t expect it to come through legislation or laws. It will come; one person at a time! It will come when we, as individuals, quit demanding, depending, or waiting on other people to change! If there is to be real change, then we as individuals, must be changed, be the change and make the change!

The Matter of Respect

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Respect imageSome people kill or engage in other illegal activities; trying to get it! Others do things they normally wouldn’t do; trying to get it! Still others buy things they can’t afford, to impress people they don’t even like; trying to get it! What are they trying to get? Respect! By definition, respect is the state or quality of being highly esteemed. We all want respect and we all want to be respected! We all want to be regarded and have a sense of worth and importance.

But think about it for a minute! Why does a person have to “do” something in order to gain or earn respect? Why can’t a person be respected simply because they are? In other words, why can’t respect simply be a given? Shouldn’t the very fact that a person “is” be enough for them to be respected? I want to encourage you to quit jumping through hoops, quit standing on your head, and quit turning backward flips trying to earn the respect of people! The very fact that you are is enough! And if they don’t respect you for that; that’s their problem not yours!

The bottom line is that many times people fail to exhibit respect toward others because they don’t respect themselves! Before you can respect others; you must first respect yourself! And in order to respect yourself; you must like and love yourself! Now, I’m not talking about the type of self-love that some people have where they are so in love with themselves that no one else in the world matters. (A prime example of this is a commercial I saw once where a man said to a young lady: “I’m tired of talking about myself; so I’m going to give you a chance to talk about me!”) No! I’m talking about having a healthy regard for yourself that promotes healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. If you don’t like yourself; why should other people like you? The first step in having the respect of others is to have respect for yourself!

And the first step in respecting others is understanding that every person is in a sense, an expression of the Divine! The Bible says that humanity was created in the image and likeness of God! Although that image has been tarnished by sin, faults, and failures, nevertheless, the image is still there! Therefore, the street-walker, the pimp, the prostitute, the gang-banger, the drug-addict, the homeless, and others that many in society do not highly esteem are indeed expressions of God! Every person is worthy of respect, not for what they do; but simply because they are! To disrespect them is to disrespect the God who created them! To disrespect them is to disrespect yourself, for at some level you and they are inseparably connected!

So, the next time you feel down because you think no one respects you, perhaps because of the mistakes you may have made in the past, remember the only people who have never made mistakes are the people who have never lived! Ask for God’s forgiveness and be sure to forgive yourself. Then, ask those you have offended for their forgiveness. And if those you have offended refuse to forgive you; don’t lose any sleep over it! Let it go and move on! The next time you are tempted to disrespect another person; remember that person is a creation of God! To disrespect them is to disrespect the God who made them and the God who made you! To disrespect them is to disrespect yourself! You can’t have one without the other! You can’t have respect for yourself without having respect for others! And you can’t have respect for others without having respect for yourself! Remember: People shouldn’t have to earn your respect and neither should you have to earn their respect! Respect should be mutually given! And respect should not be given because of what someone does; but merely because someone is! Our very existence is reason enough for respect!